Wish I had something cool to report, but at the same time no news is good news. It's been almost a week and I'm seriously enjoying all the lounging around I've been able to accomplish since I've been in Orlando. Which is great, I've been needing to get my hand to rest. My right hand has been hurting so bad this semester that I had to wrap it to keep it from moving several times to keep it from moving. Earlier in the semester, it actually helped. A couple days with it on and I was fine. Now it feels like it makes it worse. It's gotten to the point that it hurts to draw and write, type....heck I almost dropped a container of food because my hand couldn't support its weight. Quite frankly, I'm pretty scared, especially since I got summer school in a couple days and I'm going to be drawing and on the computer alot from that point on. I'd love to get checked out, but my insurance runs the end of may and that leaves me with no time to find a doctor. Looks like I'm going to have to upgrade from my ace bandage to an actual writs guard. Don't want to because it's more expensive but...bleh.

I missed the final JACON which upset me some. I wanted to hang out with friends and say goodbye to the first convention that I cosplayed in, got attacked in and sold art work in. I hope that everyone that attended had a great time! I'd like to at least attend one convention to sell stuff at before I leave. I'm not sure how that's gonna work unless someone really high up likes our stuff, lol! But it's nice to dream aint it?

I haven't been completely lazy though. I have getting started on some conceptualizing and sketching for my final project; I'll start posting them up partly to show off, and partly for a critique and criticism. I'm really looking forward to this project and I want this to be a serious, accomplished animation, so any opinion that anyone may have will be super helpful! I've been eyeing supplies to make my hardcover book (SO excited to do this!) and if this works out well, I'm gonna make myself a custom sketchbook. I've also been looking for a job and intership since I made it here. Dee Jay even commented that I just hit the ground running. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather not work (working 56 hours on art instead of retail has made me a little spoiled, lol) but bills need to be paid in a couple days and I need a paycheck. I've applied to several places in the past week, so now just doing more hunting and playing that dreaded waiting game. I hate that game.

So remember that news that I mentioned earlier in the week? Well, I had to wait until everything was in the clear and since I got the official email, I can blurt it out to my heart's content now:

Dee Jay and I will be campus RA's for next year! I honestly was half expecting not to get it, considering there were about 4 others that were still in line for the position too. But we got it! From what they said, he and I will both take over the same building so we can still live together. Since the compensation is free room and board, we'll be saving almost 6 grand! This is just a dream come true. I checked with our FA applications again, and with housing out of the way, we're more than covered  for our last year. This means there's no worry taking summer classes, and both Dee Jay and I will be set for our senior year. No outside loans, no monthly payment plans. It's a great relief really.

And now I'm finish eating my hamburger helper and take short nap so I can finish my artist statement for printmaking this week. I'm so beat it's not even funny.

Stop motion animation went...well, it went. I hadn't slept since thursday so when tuesday hit I was at the end of my line. I had a back spasm that hit me so bad that I almost passed out. Then I was disoriented for the rest of the day. I was hoping to get some sleep for stopmotion so that I could get something filmed and submitted, but that didn't work. Not because I couldn't sleep, but because Dee Jay had to wake me up so we could fim. 4 days of work and I only had 2 hours of sleep to catch up for it. I was so NOT a happy camper. I was grumpy and moody for much of the morning. The good thing was that I got about 3 little scenes in (about 10 seconds in) and the teacher liked what I had so far. Made me feel good because all those weeks making those little puppets really paid off and he said it looked promising. I at least have the weekend to work on it.

Unfortunately, I have the weekend to work on everything else. I still have a 2 page figure drawing final to work on, my soft sculpture final and my final flash animatic for storyboard. I'm so exhausted, my joints are achy and I can't keep a solid thought in my head for more than a few seconds. I'm burned at both ends of the candle and the homework just doesn't let up. I mean, the only thing that's going for me is that the last day is tuesday. All I gotta do is make it to tuesday. less than a week away....C'mon tuesday, lol.

I also got a little more emotional than I wanted to about that same old studio conversation. I found out from a friend that the senior animators have all their work in only one room in the main gallery, which urked me some because it seemed like they were being pushed aside, almost hidden from the rest of the senior show. Apparently, Novak and another teacher/advisor had to fight tooth and nail for it. What they originally were gonna do was just place all their senior projects on one dvd and let it play on one TV.

My jaw dropped. Are they serious? I thought that was sucha  big insult and a slap in the face that the higher ups would even consider doing something like that. I've always half joked that the animators get the short end of the stick, but now I've never been more serious in my life. There just seems to be this stigma that if you're an animator then there's absolutely nothing else you know about or care about. Oh, and I also was also told that animators are not really considered as fine artists, which I find ridiculous, because animation is one of the most interdisciplinary arts there is.

If we're not given the same sort of respect as every other student, then why even have the curriculum in the first place? There's just alot of obstacles that are in our way soely because of our major. We have a communal animation studio that's pretty much a little sliver of a room. Almost none of the equipment works all the time and the computers that are used for our Maya studio are old and I think a little outdated.

I have a couple of applications for Dee Jay and I for a personal studio space but I've been sitting on them for almost 3 weeks because I fear that they won't even give it to us. You're supposed to have a declared major to have one, but if you're an animator, you're not qualified to get one. How the hell does that work? I mean for this semester alone, I had a printmaking class, a figure drawing and a color and mixed media class.  Dee Jay is taking a fabricated sculpture class. We both needed alot of room to make our stuff. But did we get one? Nope. There's so much junk in our extra bedroom that we gave up cleaning it out. Hell, I don't even do my work much anymore in that makeshift studio room because...well, there IS no room anymore. And that's not fair that we have to deal with that, especially when almost everyone else is qualified to get a space besides us!

Next semester is going to be more geared towards animation but don't plan on doing strictly pencil on paper animation. As it is I'm taking an illustration class and there's printmaking that I would like to incorporate into an animation which again would require space. I'm thinking if I can get my final homework done early enough, I'll take a nap and then try to talk to somebody after i send out the application. It may not be solved anytime soon, or even before i graduate (or maybe sometime afterwards, lol) but it doesn't hurt to try and get things started, you know?

I think I'm going to tak another nap. I'm soooo friggin' tired it's not even funny...

TGIF...I'm just glad that I had one day not to worry about school. Not that I had the leeway to do it. I'm actually more backed up than ever. But at this point, it doesn't even matter. I'm gonna be up for many nights straight this week and I fully expect to see many sunrises and sunsets. And not by waking up early to see them. I mean looking out the window with my hands covered in paint watching the sun come up and wishing that I was in bed at that very moment.

But I did get some good news. It's nothing big, but it's a big help for both Dee Jay and I. I wish I was more emotional right now, but I'm just sooo tired...I've been up running errands and doing laundry and chores and I'm....*sigh* I wanna sleep soooo bad...and not have any homework anymore! This finals day can't go soon enough.

 I can't believe it's friggin' almost 7 in the morning and I can't sleep. It would'nt be as bad if I had just woken up, but I've been wide awake since 4am. NOT the time for insomnia, especially when this will be the last week I'll be getting any real sleep this semester, lol! But at least I got some homework done, all I need to do is post it. I gotta get up to get some batteries though, the ones currently in them are drained dry. Stupid camera...

Other than that, classes don't seem to be going so badly. My figure drawing class seems like it's going to be difficult, but fun. My first drawing turned out a little better than I had expected, especially after not drawing much from life since last fall. In the next couple weeks she may actually get a sculptor in so we can make our own models...SO psyched! 

I can't be any more excited about my stop motion animation class. What's great is that we're not just going to be working on clay which I'm really happy about. Not that I didn't want to, but there are other methods to its madness and I was hoping to explore. Thankfully, he's giving us the opportunity and I can't wait to get to that point! 

Printmaking seems like it's going to be fun too, bur very touch and go. But honestly, if I had any idea it was going to get this pricey supplies wise, I think I would've reconsidered the class. Besides that though, it's looking good.

Storyboard is going to be interesting. The teacher seems like a real funny and nice guy, but at the same time he has that comic convention douche-y air about him and I fear that if my work doesn't fit his standards (personally, not academically) than I'm going to have a problem. It's only been the first week, but I'm just keeping my guard up.

Drawing color and mixed media I think is going to be one of my biggest challenges this semester. I'm taking it with the same teacher I took drawing 2 with, and I feel like Dee Jay and I were being picked on alot just because we were animation majors. I say that because as soon as she found out what our majors were, everything we did was considered "anime" plus she had the nerve to say that I "invent" the form well. In some cases, I'd see that as a compliment, but in a class where you're spending 5 hours studying form and atmosphere, I took it as a slap in the face, as if I have to fall into some default standard because I can't render what's in front of me. It literally took me a sit down with her to explain that I did graduate with a fine arts degree back in Orlando, and just because I like animation, that didn't mean I didn't know about anything else. At least now, I know what I'm dealing with and if I feel threatened in any way, I'll talk to her alot sooner. I don't wanna be undergraded again.

The biggest hurdle for all of these classes is the matter of money. They're all studios, but since I'm taking 4 other studio/fine art classes, they cost a little more money than my other animation classes. So coming up with the money to pay for these things is going to be a real interesting feat. My mother called to let me know that my last paycheck from work came in the mail, and that she would deposit it, so that will be a definite help but...I feel real bad. Last month they paid our bills and got us out of a bind with the bank because we simply did not have enough funds to cover everything. Plus they gave me a check to pay for my tuition this semester. I'd really like to pay them back and I was hoping they would just keep that check as a form of payment.

This isn't even including the allowance they've been giving me that's really supposed to go to my mother for babysitting Danny. I'm appreciative, don't get me wrong of what they've done and it's not like I'm trying to squander the money, we really do need it. But I hate that I'm owe them so much when they've got their own bills to pay. And it's not like they're rich either that they can afford to do this for me...I dunno...I feel like a complete louse about the whole thing.

I'm getting too complainy...I better try to get some sleep before I end up passing out standing up in drawing class, LOL

 I hate that I've had about 3 hours of sleep every night because of all the shit that needs to get done for these last 2 weeks of class. I'm constantly grumpy and cranky and I just don't feel bothered to do anything...which sucks, because I still have a whole lot of shit to do, lol. 

But!

I'm halfway there. The end of the week is already near and that means I've got one more weekend to crank out as much homework as possible (I'm reeeeaally backed up on character animation) for my last friggin' week of class. OMG I really can't wait. This break is SO needed it's not even funny. I can't wait to be home with my family, spend some time with my nephew, possibly find some time to see my new niece in NY.

Oh that's right! I forgot to say! My best friend Jenny in NY just gave birth to a 6 lb baby girl on december 1st!! I'm an auntie again! She sent me a picture on my phone...OMG she is so adorable...I can't wait to see her!! Her name is Catlin Dong (I know, Dong just throws it off, lol!) I have to get her something nice...I might do what I did with my nephew Danny and get the baby some books for when she gets older. I have a good feeling that everyone is going to shower her with toys, clothing and gadgets...I figured with my horribly limited budget I could get her something that might be a little useful for her in the future. Picture books, and baby signs for Jenny. I can't believe it I'm so excited. I started crying on the phone when she told me. I can't wait to see my niece!!

I think I might actually have a job too. My kick ass manager asked if I wanted to work some shifts at Borders for christmas break. A part of me really doesn't want to, but I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to make money, especially when I don't have any, lol! Although, if I can keep working my freelance greeting card thing over the break, I might be able to do that full time instead. 

I'm not sure how much of a break this is going to be though. As I said, I'll be working again, plus I have to worry about fixing up my chinese traditions animation or work on a completely new one (I think I'm going to polish up Jason's Shitty Day) for my possible Junior Review next semester. I commissions that I have to work on and finish and I have to prepare for my first convention of the year at the end of January (this one I'm super stoked about) Since this one is really new to us, we want to make sure we've got everything in order so there are no flubs. I'm just relieve that we actually have the schedule to do it! I'll have friday and monday off so I won't be missing any classes for it. If that were the case, I wouldn't even have considered it. I hope this one goes well.

So yeah, even on my time off I'm going to be working my ass off. I really want (more like desperately need) some down time to relax and chill out, so I'd really like to see some of my friends while I'm home.

8 more days....8 more days....

 I've been falling through a rather unfortunate procrastinating week. I have loads of homework to do...stuff that requires me to spend TONS of hours up, sketching, brainstorming, animating, working on my website (not DA, an actual [albeit horrible looking] website [thanks iWeb...]) but I've hit an "I so cannot care any less than I already am" stage and that's not good. Especially with only 3 weeks left in school. I gotta get back into that hustle so I can get the best grades that I can so that I don't bomb this semester!

But....*whines* I'm sooooooo tired. I'm tired all the time. People might think that I'm exaggerating...but when there's so much crap to be done that you can't even find the time to do "stuff" with your husband, (and it's not even one sided, it's completely mutual) then I'd say we're pretty damned busy. I just want some time to work on some stuff if my own. I want to fine tune a couple of my earlier animations, I want to draw my own stuff so badly it hurts. I have commissions that I've still yet to finish...there are stuff that I have wanted to do that some friends in Orlando have asked me to do and it hurts alot that they have to find other people to do it now because I don't have the time.

The one thing that I've felt the most from being this far away is regret and jealousy. Regret that I can't take on projects that I want to for people that I care about and jealous that I have to watch something that I would've really had some fun with go to someone else. I understand things need to keep moving, but....I'm beginning to feel incredibly left out. I have a good feeling that save for work, there's going to be no reason to go out to see anybody because no one will need/want to see me in the first place. I guess that'll be good for mom and dad. I'll spend more time in the house and with my nephew.


I'm sorry...I've developed a really nasty (depressing, emo, whatever you feel like calling it)  side this semester and I don't like it. I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it though, and the one person I did tell, pretty much trivialized my feelings and my point of view...maybe it's just an accumulation of everything: school, schoolwork, not having a steady job, having to depend on only on Dee Jay's jobs to pay our bills, grades, GPA's, projects in the backburner, so much work to do in such little time...it's alot of shit.

Seriously, thanksgiving can't come soon enough...which btw I'm going to Wisconsin for! A friend of ours invited us to spend with his family there since we'd be spending it by ourselves at school. It's gonna be a drive, but we're looking forward to it!

I guess I'm done whining. It's probably the only time I have for it anyway which is a relief to everyone reading, lol!

and I already feel burned out.

Which makes me feel a little ashamed, actually. I was so hardcore on going back, and I actually enjoyed the workload because I was making a really good portfolio. Well, I thought so anyway, lol. Now I just feel like I can't be bothered with the stuff. I don't know what's making this semester so much harder to get into than last semester. hmmm....It could be the 20+ hours that I'm putting into character animation. Or maybe the other 20+ I'm putting into Maya for 3d animation? Or maybe it's the 2 fru-fru classes that I'm taking that are requirements but are really the 2 most bullshit classes that are on my damn curriculum. I'm tired, there's no time for anything, getting a job is a damn near impossibility and there's nothing that I can do to change anything.

Isn't that sad? I can't even land a fucking work study job!!!! What the hell! It's WORK STUDY for crying out loud! I'd only be working like, 2 days a week for about 10 hours a week or so, making shit for money and I can't even land that!! That really tells me something about my people skills...

My favorite class so far is character animation, but even with that one I feel like I'm trailing behind. It's becoming harder for me to get the little nuances of movement right to make it look believable. Dee Jay seems to have no problem with it though. Which is great, but at the same time it's aggravating. He helps me out alot but at the same time it bothers me because I'm like "I'm not supposed to need help in this class!!! I'm LIKE this class! I'm good at this, just as good as you are! I'm not supposed to have a hard time, not here!"

Maybe I'm just being a little too high strung. There are some things that I'm a little relieved about while being here. For the most part, it has to do with money. My brother got a job again, so now he's able to send me my "allowance" again (which really should be going to mom...God, what a leech I am...) Dee Jay might be getting an AV tech work study job which pays like, 12 something an hour. Our refund check is supposed to coming back from school later this month, as well as Dee Jay's first work study paycheck, which will have the amount from the last paycheck he never got the chance to pick up over the summer, plus the 4 weeks that they're supposed to pay him from this month. I'm happy that there will be money to pay bills and supplies. That's mainly my only worry. I can't even pay bills with my credit cards anymore. They're too close to maxed out, so I just have to focus on paying them off.

God's listened (because I'm always worrying about it!) to my prayers about getting by, I just wish I could do more to get myself out of this situation. Dee Jay hates to watch me take out my cards because he says I look upset all the time. I'm not upset that I have to use the money, especially if it's for something we need. What I do get upset about is that we can't replenish any of the money quick enough. I'm tired of living off of other people, living on credit, having to go without on basics. Hell, having to get mean looks by teachers because we just don't have the funds to go down to the art cellar for paper to draw on. It sucks, it really does.

Ok, I don't wanna talk about crappy stuff anymore. Damn, I'm sorry, I feel like I've become such a bitchy bitcher since I've gotten here. Dee Jay and I are really ok, and we're not that strapped that we have to skip meals or anything. We've got plenty of clothing and protection for the colder months ahead, so as long as we can get our shit together and meet our deadlines, we're golden.

On a side note, Dee Jay's actually becoming the big man on campus. He organized an "unofficial" welcoming party for his new SSBB club. It had some snags, because he'd sent out notices earlier this week and NO ONE got them. He had to send another one at like 3pm the day of in hopes that people got it. But for such short timing, there was a pretty good turnout. I'm really excited for the official party in 3 weeks. There's alot of stuff he wants to do, and I get to be included in it. I'm sort of jealous that so many people know Dee Jay and people only know me as "the girl that's always with Dee Jay"...but I should be used to that one by now. It was the same way in Orlando too, lol.

I guess I better go back to homework. Thanks for hearing me bitch, lol.

I cannot believe that I've just spent over 9 hours in the shop yesterday. I've been working on one of my final pieces for my fd. 3d class which we had to make something with 3 legs. If it's functional it's furniture, if it's not, it's a sculpture...or that's how the teacher worded it I think. For my project I wanted to make a bookshelf to fit my manga collection in (or at least, some of it) so it's a 4 ft bookshelf sized just for manga sized books. It fits an oversized manga perfectly with an inch above for breathing room, so the regular sized manga will fit for sure. This is the only project that I've done that Dee Jay has given me the ok right off the bat to go for. The other 2 that I've done he's told me right off the bat were too hard for me. Progress has been going at a snail's pace for the longest, because I kept having to stop to make sure I had enough supplies to finish the work and of course there was alot of planning involved so far as measurements go and stuff like that. I just don't want to screw up the cuts I need and stuff. It'd be stupid to waste money that way.

For awhile though, the thing was just a bunch of planks of wood loosely screwed in. I had just a frame of what it was supposed to look like. Yesterday though, I got all the cuts for the shelves done, hammered all the shelves in, pre-drilled, screwed in the shelves to the bookshelf, wood puttied all the screws and the 2 inch gaps for the shelves (the shelf width is 8 inches, but the frame itself is 10, so I had a 2 inch gap that I didn't want on all of the shelves) and started chiseling the notches I needed for the biggest part of the bookshelf itself: the Shinto shrine that's going to be attached to the front of the shelf. The legs of the shrine are going to serve as 2 of the 3 feet for the project and Dee Jay screwed in a piece of wood to the back of the base for my 3rd leg.

We were laying it out yesterday on a table while we got the measurements for the chiseling. I gotta say, I'm reeeally excited about this one. this thing with the shrine stands at over 80 inches tall, and I'm making the biggest in the class. I can't take all the credit though, Dee Jay has helped me out immeasurably and I'm positive that without his help, I would've had to drop out of this class or failed it a long time ago. I hit a really nasty slow snag in the project when it came to chiseling and it made me feel really bad that Dee Jay has had to come straight from work to help me on this. I actually feel really bad that he's had to help me in all of my projects though too. I mean don't get me wrong, I really appreciate all that he's done for me, but it does suck donkeys on ice that I can't just go at it with no experience like my drawing classmate Kadja or Sam or Moose or Keith or Amber...alot of those people are at the same standing as I am and are going to be persuing different majors like graphic design and and animation and stuff too, but they get it. And I just...don't. It's been a really hard time for me in this class, because I really hoped that I would've liked this class enough to learn more about sculpture or furniture design. I love the notion of being able to look at your place and be like, I need a new dining table. Some chairs would be nice too. Ooh, this would be a neat idea for a sofa.

And you can just go out and MAKE them.

Unfortunately, I've not been granted the intelligence level to be left alone with a power tool of any kind. And the moment I'm stuck in a corner I have to run for help. And I'm SOO slow at everything. Dee Jay had said that whenever we buy a house, we're going to get a fixer-upper so we can customize it how we want to. After this class I told him he's going to have to do that on his own. I laughed at it (kinda) but I'm only half kidding. While I'm really proud of this piece, I'm really disappointed with the work I've produced in the class up till now and this sort of work has really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Sorry about the rant...I'm moody I guess. It could also be that it's 6am, I've been up since about 4, and I have to be back in the shop at around 8.

*Breathes deeply*

whoo-sha....

I spent a good portion of he evening getting my pieces up for the Merit Scholarship that is going to be judged tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. Dee Jay convinced me to put everything I've done (including my first one, Jason's Shitty Day) I'm just scared. I've seen some of the stuff that's been put up before and seriously these people don't play. I mean, I'm supposed to expect that but...*shudder* I got a spot in front of the computer support room on the 3rd floor (not the most popular of spots) But it's my own fault for not getting there on time. I just didn't realize how desperate people were to be on the 1st and 2nd floor. I like my spot actually. Since my pedestal looked really lonely on that big wall, I went home and grabbed some of my animation frames and a couple morgues and tacked them haphazardly around the monitor and on the pedestal walls themselves so that it didn't look so boring. Granted, it probably looks tacky, but I wanted the walls to look like what the wall by my desk looks like when I'm drawing and it really does look like a big mess of papers tacked up any which way. Dee Jay printed me out my name thingie in anime ace font. And that was like, my finishing touch right there. I've never had something like this up for me. I know it's not anything to make a big deal over, but I'm sorta happy that I have my own little gallery thingie there. I'm still scared out of my mind, but walking by it and seeing my bunny run away from a lumberjack wielding and axe and a flying machete makes me a little proud ^_^

Now, I'm going to take full advantage of this blessing of God and try to get some sleep. I don't get very many luxuries like this so I have to take them whenever I can!!!

I can't believe spring break came and went the way it did! *sob*
Not that I'd done anything spectacular worth blogging about. Since Saturday, I've been going to bed at around 12, getting up between 12-2 in the afternoon, and taking walks outside. We'll go out on a whim, Dee Jay took me to the Utrecht art supply store downtown and I got some new ink pens and had a nice walk downtown. We also got some really yummy food at an asian supermarket in St. Paul. So, I need to go back to one of the closer ones here on Eat Street and stock up on pork buns, red bean mochi and lap cheong (chinese sweet sausages) which are soooo delicious it's not even funny. Slice those suckers up really nice and thin with some white rice...seriously, it's my new favorite breakfast.

I've done some homework (not as much as I should've been but whatever, it's spring break) but what's been killing me over and over that I've actually been working on since last week is my sound animation homework that was due...oh, LAST FRIDAY. Not that I wanted to bring it in late, it's just that I seem to have scanned in paper that Satan made I think. I spent days, weeks, storyboarding, character designing, looking at convincing run cycles and then putting the time into the drawing and getting good magazine clippings for the 2d pieces of it. The thing was working out well. Things were looking good and then I go to render it and...

it crashes.

Not only does it crash, it saves a bad copy of what I've done, and closes the AE program alltogether. I start it again, do it over, go to render it and CRASH again. It wouldn't bother me as much if it werent for the fact that it was crashing and dying and NOT letting me complete the thing for about 10 hours. I go to class as soon as I find out the teacher is there and I'm standing there looking at him, with my hair messed up, in my pajamas pretty much, with huge bags under my eyes because I've been working ALL NIGHT on trying to figure out why the damn thing wasn't working, just hoping for an answer to all my stress.

It's a sad day when your own teacher has no idea what you did wrong.

Thankfully, he told me that I seemed sincere enough in my dilemma and gave me the break to work on it. And did you know it's taken up till TODAY to actually find out that the solution to the thing that's been giving me all this grief and stress was a friggin' layer overlay problem. OMG I just about wanted to throw my computer out the window and switch my major to fine art studio. At least I don't have to worry about all this crap when I'm drawing and painting, lol.

I can't wait to get this thing done because I don't want to touch it anymore for the rest of my life, lol!

Other than that, things are great. I've forgotten about the luxury of nothing and how good it feels to be a part of it, lol! I know that I'm sort of dreading going back to school, but at least I've had almost 8 full days of rest and relaxation and recooperating from all the stress and pain from school lol! Now I think I'm ready to take on the last 6 weeks of school.

Can you believe it?? 6 more weeks!!! Whooo hooooo!!!!

So apparently we've gotten into our 1st DA spat a couple weeks ago. Dee Jay was surfing on the new stuff and saw this post from a girl that was getting attacked about how her much her anime stuff sucks and whatnot so Dee Jay decided to tell him a thing or 2. It's funny, the guy seems to be so ready to heartlessly flame this girl but when you go to his DA he's got only 10 pieces submitted... and it's all earlier stuff (like paintings from classical artists) that he just digitally added stuff into. seriously, what the hell dude? Don't knock on someone who's actually trying to make something original. She didn't take a Mona Lisa jpeg and add a spaceship behind it or something ridiculous like that. That may be the extent of your talent, but not hers. Also don't pretend you know what your talking about when it comes to what's art and what's not. No matter how strongly you feel about something, personal opinion cannot be passed off as fact.

Dadaism and with a few exceptions, abstract expressionism. HATE the stuff. Don't like it one bit. But am I going to tell someone that's just spent months sweating over a canvas that his 40x60' painting is not art? No. Just because I don't particularly care for it, doesn't mean there won't be a hoard of people that'll pay millions for it. It's in history books for a reason, you know?

Same thing goes with anime. Sure there are people that despise it. But there are about just as many people that adore the stuff too. They buy it, read it, watch it, write and draw it too. Anime might not be accepted by absolutely everyone as art, but it's still art. Or else, why would there be so many comic artists and animators livin' large in Japan right now because of it? I like anime. I really do. And I've spent many years drawing in that style because I love it that much. But according to this dumbfuck, I'm not an artist. Well hey, let's apply this flawed logic to everything! kichara? You're not a seamstress because all you sew is costumes for anime (which isn't really animation because it's anime) and not real clothing for everyday wear.jackylfan? you can just stop with the podcasts because it's not really radio if it's on the computer. minakokenshou? You might as well just stop and like, flip burgers or something. All the tutorials you've done, the images you have in various RPG guides, books you've written? Not even worth the paper it's printed on.

I mean it's amazing that people can be that narrow minded. It really does bother me you know?

Speaking of dumb people...I'm really hoping that our drawing teacher doesn't make us go back to the MIA to do anymore drawings. Security eyes us like where going to run in and deface the entire place! It's ridiculous. MCAD is RIGHT IN FRONT of the friggin' museum, we share the same utilities. They've worked with each other since forever ago and they KNOW since we can get in for free, alot of student frequent the place. Some to look, but also because of the teachers. So really, why all the suspicious looks? I went to sit someplace and a guard reprimanded me telling me I was too close to the wall. Then he told me that I couldn't prop my drawing board near the wall to draw. Then while in the middle of my drawing, some one else tells me to move closer to the sculpture because apparently 5 feet of walk room isn't enough space for people to walk around me anymore. THEN I'm told to move back because I'm TOO CLOSE to the sculpture and I may be obstructing the view for someone else.

I have to sharpen my pencils while they're not looking because if it's not an enclosed sharpener, I can't use it. The only problem is, there are no enclosed sharpeners for Lyra pencils. Or soft lead charcoal pencils for that matter. And well, I need to sharpen them so...well, that's just too bad for me well isn't it, lol. Oh, I have to take reference shots while they're not looking either because the sculpture is on loan to the museum and if it's on loan, then I'm not allowed to take pictures of it. Yeah, screw you. This is for my class and I'm not failing because you wanna be a hard ass, you rent a cop. They also get mad at us if we're talking too loud, but they don't do a damn thing when there is a guy talking about how many girls he's f***ed 10 feet away from us and talking loud enough for parents to cover children's ears...and they don't do a damn thing. And they have the nerve to trash talk US!! You know we might actually be doing YOU people a favor by going to your museum and drawing your stuff. It gathers people, it gets kids all excited to draw and keeps people in the museum longer because they want to see who else is drawing what and why. You morons.

I'm sorry, i think I just got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I guess I better go back to doing homework.

I wish it were. But there have been so much going on lately that...*sigh* I've been a wreck this last week. Which I know are going to be bleeding into next month. Yeah, I was hoping that 2008 would be memorable, but not this way.

number one is family woes. My brother (Rico) has split with his wife and is now back home with mom and dad. There's this big pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about and there's all this tension forming from it. There's also a big worry about Danny (his 2 year old son) and what will happen with him. Rico says that if they officially divorce that they are going to go for joint custody of the baby. I feel bad that Danny has to be in the middle of this. I also feel bad for Rico, I don't really have a clear idea as to what's going on in his mind. I mean, he looks ok and he says that he's fine with it...he says that he's put in alot of effort into the relationship. I just wish there was more that I can do for him. But all I can do is listen. And that's if he even wants to talk at all about it. I guess I should just trust him and take what he says at face value. But I'm just an overly paranoid person about it and I'm thinking the worst.

Then I have my Abuela, that died the day before I had to go back to MN. She had a stroke the day after thanksgiving and they took her to the emergency room when they noticed she wasn't recognizing anybody and wasn't responding to anyone. She was asleep for days before she came to. The doctors said that her left side was paralyzed and that was the side that controlled her memory and motor skills and stuff and that's why she didn't recognize anyone. after awhile my family had to put her in a nursing home so that she can continually be monitored because the hospital just couldn't really do anything more for her. It sucked like hell to listen to my mom cry over the phone seeing her mom in such a condition. I wanted to just hug her and be with her so badly. When I got to FL, I kept saying that I wanted to see Abuela and I kept putting it off. Part of me really did feel bad about not going, but another part was sort of doing it on purpose. I was actually afraid of seeing what she looked like. I went on some errands with mom one day and she decided to stop to see her with me really quick.

I was right to be afraid.

On the surface she looked...ok. She was cleaned and well kept at least. But the fact that mom is saying "Bendicion" to her and talking to her and...she just looked right through her. She had no idea that this woman is her 11th child and that she's the one that jumped from PR to NY and from FL to NY almost monthly to help her out with doctor's appointments, to clean her house and to make sure she had what she needed. Abuela had no clue who her daughter was. Then she looked at me and mom was asking her if she remembered me at all. If she remembered how she used to kiss me all the time. Or how much she loved me and how well she spoke about me. That she was really happy that I got into school and was going to get married.

I remember going to hug her and she would shower me with kisses. I remember how I would sit there sometimes and almost want to zone out because she would talk to me about being a respectable woman and to not do anything with anyone unless I loved them. I remember trying to make breakfast for her when it was just her and I in the house and the only thing I managed to get right was making her coffee (which for Latins, I think is a really good thing, lol) I remember her love for Chinese beef and broccoli and how every time mom and I went to see her that's the 1st thing she would have my mom get for her. I remember those awful novelas she would watch with the same stupid stories but how much she loved watching them. I even sat with her every so often and asked what was going on and she would fill me in who's done what to who where on what episode...it was like a live action game of clue, lol.

I felt like so much shit that I decided to go to FL for thanksgiving. If I did, I would've seen her the way she used to be. I would've gotten one more hug and kiss from her. I could've been able to say bendicion to her one more time for one more Dios lo cuide. To see Abuela, this woman who's gone through so much, who's buried 8 of her 14 children...doesn't remember any of it. Any of her remaining kids. Nothing registered. I hate to sound mean, but as bad as I felt that Abuela was like that I felt worse for my mother. She went there everyday. Without fail. Checking up on her, talking to the orderlies, seeing if everything is taken care of. I saw the look on her face and was like...she has to see her like this everyday? I can just imagine her going there kneeling before abuela kissing her hand and telling her she loves her and misses her and how she gets nothing back from it. I don't know how she does it. I felt horrible enough as it is being there for one day. And she did it repeatedly. But I thought for some reason that it would be ok. I just kept hoping that she would just snap out of it. Or that the paralysis would lessen in some way so that she would start getting her memory back.

And then when I left Joey's and going on our way to Chan's Rico called me. He told me that I wasn't supposed to know but that mom ran out of the house because she got a call from the nursing home that Abuela stopped breathing. I went straight home after that to wait for the final answer. about 2 hrs later the house phone rings and Rico picked up. Lili's on the other line bawling confirming that she did pass.

I think it's safe to say that everyone's an emotional wreck. Mom is in NY right now, trying to get things in order for the funeral. Today or tomorrow, my dad will go down there too to help her out. whatever family that's in orlando will be flying to NY to see Abuela one last time. And where am I? In my dorm room. Waiting for classes to start. I couldn't b there for thanksgiving. I couldn't be there to help mom since then. And now abuela's gone and I can't even get to say goodbye to her. I can't see her. I can't tell her that I miss her and love her and that I'm so sorry that I missed the last opportunity that I could've seen her in good spirits. That I'm sorry that I can't help her 11th daughter the way I want to. This is shit. I feel like such a completely heartless asshole for being here and not being with my family. I feel like this is the coldest most insensitive thing I can be doing. I want to be with my family so badly, I want to help my mother. I want to see abuela and say goodbye, and I can't. I can't. I can't do anything. And it hurts so much! Oh god it hurts...

I just really don't want to be here right now. I don't feel like I should. It feels really wrong to be getting ready to go to school while this is happening. I've told mom that missing the 1st week gets me kicked out for the semester but I would take the semester off so that I can help her. She told me to go back and that no one would be happy if that happened. It just feels wrong being here, it really does. School isn't even being very nice right now either. At least not to Dee Jay. I gave him whatever money I had left so that he could sign himself up for the tuition pay plan but he had to pay his 1st month that very day. Now we're both completely broke and I have to figure out how to find 1510 in 2 weeks so he can pay next month's payment. What sucks is that I cannot co-sign for him because I don't have enough credit and his is shot. There's check on my dad's because they keep confusing my dad with Rico and now there's this race against the clock to get it all done. I feel like a heel trying to remind them about it and I really don't want to borrow anymore money from Jenny.

This month has just hit hard. Hopefully the bruises will heal up before the year is over.

what an awesome 2008 this is turning out to be.